Mama's Day.

I always knew I wanted be a mama. I've been many things. A daughter. A sister. A friend. A girlfriend. A wife. A student. A teacher. A waitress. A barista. A sociologist. A caregiver. A singer. An amateur guitar player. A writer. A lover of nature. I have been many things. But being a mama? That has fueled my soul. It has taught me about the kind of me I want to be in all those other things I am. There is a lot more to me than being a mama. Yet, at the same time, it's everything.

Patiently waiting (well trying too, anyways)

Well, here I am  39 weeks pregnant (actually more like 38 in this picture, but you  get the point) and I am desperately trying to remain patient and for the sake of everyone who lives with me, a little less neurotic than I feel.  Here is a list of things I currently obsess over (usually around 1am)

            -How can I dust under that book shelf?  If I get on the floor, there is no telling if I will be able to get back up.  Maybe I should lift it just a little?  No, I am pretty sure that is a bad idea. 

            -I need to have the dishes done like at ALL times.  Like it drives me crazy when there is one in the sink.  I can not stop thinking about it until it is washed because I know if I don't wash it then I will go into labor, and then there will be dirty dishes, and I won't be able to concentrate on having the baby! (Did I mention these obsessive thoughts are not rational in any way.  Just go with me) 

            -Do I seriously not have a definite name picked for our baby?  This is so not like me.  I need to know things.  Breathe.  It will be ok.  I am pretty sure the nickname “Bull’s-eye” the kids (and now whole family) have been using all through the pregnancy will probably stick for this child’s entire life so it doesn't actually matter what we name him/her anyways.

            -This baby is totally going to be late isn't it?  Technically I am 1 week from the arbitrary “due date” but I am going to carry this little bundle for another 3 weeks aren't I?!

            -Will third time finally be a charm for our planned home-birth?  I truly am thankful for my previous healthy, thriving babies, but wouldn't it be nice to have one of my births end up at home?  And not take an eternity?  Like is it too much to ask for a 2 hour home-birth?  It just might be.  I am ok with that.  I really am.  I even packed a “just in case” hospital bag this time. 

The list could go on and on forever, but I will not bore you with my craziness.  And then I just feel like a big giant jerk for worrying over such frivolous things.  I really am so blessed.  I am so thankful my body has carried this sweet baby to term, or that it was even able to make a baby.  That is not the case for so many close to me, including myself once upon a time.  So, I am going to try and breathe.  Trust this baby to come when it is good and ready, in the way it is intended to.  And while I wait in the stillness I will enjoy spending my days with these loves of my life… 

I recently read this post that spoke to my dear "heart in waiting".  I may just need to read it daily, to remember the beauty in, waiting. 

The Last Days of Pregnancy: A Place of In-Between