Oh what is that you say? I can't control everything? My bad!

Today I stumbled upon a blog post that gave insight into midwifery, homebirths, and the choices behind them.  I fell in love with it.  Not because it was a story of a beautiful home birth filled with birthing tubs and aromatherapy, but because it was about the times that the homebirth you may have planned did not quite work out the organic way one may have hoped.  I planned to have both my babies at home.  Growing up, I spent a lot of time in hospitals.  My mother had 13 surgeries by the time I was 12 years old.  A hospital to me was somewhere sick people went.  Sometimes to get better, many times not.   When the time came to make decisions concerning the births of my babies, having them at a hospital just did not seem to fit.  It was not a medical procedure to me.  It was not a place I envisioned beauty, and empowerment, comfort, and relaxation.  So twice, I decided to have my babies at home, and twice I ended up having them in the hospital.  I was blessed enough to labor at home, especially with my baby girl; I arrived at the hospital about an hour and a half before she arrived.  Although I did not plan on ending up in a hospital, due to unplanned circumstances that is where I ended up.  I have to admit at first I felt a little defeated.  Like I failed at something so important to me.  Like perhaps if I would have just tried a little harder, a little longer, I could have had the birth I envisioned. 

The truth is however, although my births did not go as planned, they went the way they were supposed to.   The goal was ultimately met.  I have been blessed with two, healthy, thriving, amazing little beings that have turned my world upside down in the best of ways.  Whether born at home or in a hospital bed, they are here, the way they should be.  And I am their mama, the way I should be.  My births did not go as planned, but really, I would not have changed a thing.  I had a birth team I trusted.  They assisted me in making the right decisions at the right time; choices that lead to healthy happy children.  A healthy happy me.   

I am sure a good writer does not need to state the obvious.  However, since I am not that good of a writer I will state it for you; we (and when I say we I most definitely, and foremost mean me), continuously try to control everything in our lives.  And when life strays from those controlled, carefully thought out plans, we feel like failures.  However, rarely does our loss of control alter circumstances so significantly that the goodness that comes out of these situations disappear.  The truth is, my plans fail.  A lot.  So, how grateful am I that MY plans have nothing to do with what is supposed to happen anyways?!?! 

I encourage you to read the blog I mentioned found here:  When Midwifery Works 

Coffee Bigger Than My Head...And I Like It.

I am tired.  Of course I am.  I have a 5 moth old, a 2 year old, a husband in graduate school and I am tired.  It is not a complaint; it is just my new way of being.  The other day I mentioned how unbelievably tired I was, and yet so happy.  My husband asked how the two could co-exist.  Honestly, I do not know.  It just does.  One minute I am realizing I have drank more coffee than water that day, and I still cannot seem to keep my eyes open, and the next I am dancing my heart out with my two year old rock star to the Glee soundtrack.  Feeling so much love, so much blessing, I can hardly contain it.  I guess this is the way my family is with each other.  One minute Franklin says “You are mean.  I don’t like you” and twenty minutes later he is cupping my face in his tiny hands saying “You are my bestest friend in the whole world.”  The later surely cancels out the first.  It has to.  And doesn’t life, even outside of our relationships with our offspring, work like this?  Doesn’t it have to in order to carry on? This does not mean the harsh realities do not hurt us, affect us, stick with us, because they do, they must.  But, the good stuff; the stuff that makes us laugh out loud, cry of happiness, and give selflessly, matters more.  It has to.  It should.  

Day 30 of Thankfulness: I'll Be Home For Christmas...

As you may have noticed, my 30th day of thankfulness is a little late.  The last few days were spent getting ready for, traveling, and settling into Oregon.  Which is what the focus of my last entry of the 30 days of thankfulness will be about. 

Today I am thankful to be home for Christmas.  Home can mean something different to different people, or even at different times in your life.  The obvious home is where you live.  Where you sleep at night, where you receive your mail and eat your meals.  Home can be the place you were born and raised, even if you have not been back in years.  Home can be the place that changed you.  Made you grow, and learn, and see things differently, and that will live on with you always.  For me, home, is a combination of all these things.  I have been blessed and cursed with moving "homes" quite a few times in my life.  Born and spent my young childhood in southern California.  Later moving to Oregon, kicking and screaming the whole way, cursing my parents for moving me away from all I knew and loved. Only to later discover that this place I did not want to go would eventually be, home.    I recently moved back to California, this time residing in the bay area, and over these last few years I have grown to love it. I love being near my cousins again.  I love being near the beautiful big city filled with culture and life.  However, my heart remains in Oregon.  Where my children's grandparents are.  Where my big brother and little brothers and sisters that I have been blessed with through marriage reside.  Although I spent my childhood in California, I did my real growing up in Oregon.  Amongst the rain and the green.  Amongst the simplicity. 

So today, I am thankful to be home for Christmas.  I am thankful that our families open their homes to us for a 1/3 of the year so we can come home again.  I am sure I will have many more homes in my life.  I have no idea where, or for how long, or what stories they will hold.  But I do know it is not true what they say; you can come home again. 

I have enjoyed reflecting on all that I am grateful for over the past 30 days.  I will continue to be thankful everyday beyond this, because as these past 30 days have shown me, I have so much to be grateful for.  Some say that new technology separates us from human interaction; however I find that through venues like these, it can enhance it.  And for that, and for you, I am thankful. Stay tuned for some more blog entries to come in the near future; however, I may be taking a small break, writing every day for a month is exhausting! 

Day 29 of Thankfulness: Gal-pals

Today I am thankful for my blessed friendships.  For over a decade, I have been friends with some of the most amazing women to grace this planet.  And over these years, they have truly become my family.  We have lived together, been single together, been in each others weddings, been there when children are born, moved away from each other, and always loved each other.  I could not imagine going through life without these incredibly strong, wise, funny, compassionate women.  Each one of them contributing something amazing to society, and to my life.  They are incredible mothers, musicians, teachers, artists, givers, and healers.  Some people are blessed to have one best friend; I have been blessed to have many.  And although I moved away from them several years ago, when I see them it is like not a moment has gone by.  They encourage and inspire me to be the kind of women I am working to become. 

Today I am thankful for my blessed friendships. 

Day 28 of Thankfulness: My Mawwiage

 

 Today I am thankful for my marriage.  I am thankful that I get to be married to my best friend in the whole wide world.  Not everyone gets to say that.  Sadly, not everyone is friends with their spouse, and even more sadly, those who would make wonderful marriages are not allowed to be married, but that is a whole other story.  Nevertheless, this is why I feel extra thankful for my marriage.  I am thankful for the fights that lead to growth and better understandings.  I am thankful for the thoughtful moments that come from wanting to fill the other with joy.  I am thankful for 80’s dancing in the living room, raising babies together, comforting each other, being together.  When I hear of a lifelong committed partnership breaking, my heart aches for that loss.  It makes me hold on for dear life for what I have been blessed with.  My best friend.  My husband. 

Today I am thankful for my marriage.

Day 27 of Thankfulness: Unmade Beds

Today I am thankful for embracing the messiness.  Every night when my kiddos finally go to bed, I usually work on end of the day household task.  Laundry.  Dishes. Picking up toys.  Sweeping.  But today, I will just let it all be.  This last weekend when I visited my aunt, she mentioned that she is trying to be more relaxed about things.  To be ok with things being a little messy sometimes.  She told me that the other day she decided not to make her bed.  She said, “My mom is not here to tell me what to do!  I am going to rebel!”  This may not seem like too big of a rebellion to you and me, but if you know the way my mother and her brother and sisters were raised, not making your bed is a BIG deal.  Nevertheless, I got the impression my aunts rebellion was about a lot more than not making her bed.  At least it meant more than that to me.  She inspired me to let the messiness happen.  Not only in our homes but also in our lives.  Because sometimes when we let the messiness happen, it allows time for other things to happen.  Perhaps more important things.  

So today, I am thankful for embracing the messiness.  

 The Unmade Bed by Joan Griswold 

Day 26 of Thankfulness: Getting Dirty

Today I am thankful for playing in the sand box with Franklin.  I am thankful for leaving the laundry for later, and taking the time to sit out in the sunshine, and dig in the dirt with my darling son.  I am thankful that he teaches me to be happy in the little moments.  There is always something else that needs to be done, but rarely, is there something more important.  Too often, I trick myself into thinking that these simple moments can only happen after I get the things I MUST get done first.  However, really, moments like these with Franklin, moments of rest, soaking up the sun and the love and the dirt, that is what MUST get done.  

Today I am thankful for playing in the sand box with Franklin.